Reflections

Dear Stranger,

This has been a crazy and weird past couple of weeks for me. I am at a point in my life that I always wished to never be at. Everything is falling apart, some things are perfect, others are stressful and others just don’t seem to be quite right. Sometimes I feel like it is about time I just gave up and moved on. Life is too hard to live by just being me. I am sure I am not making any sense at this point, right? Let me break it down for you to understand much more better what and how I feel right about now.

I think I have found the love of my life. Scratch that! I have found the love of my life. Thing is, my past is holding me back and I feel like it may ruin my budding relationship. I know everyone has a past and it never stays out of the way. This is not in relation to anything I did in my past though. It is about the fact that I have always been in control and now I am facing the idea of letting go completely.

I have always been wary of the word “Love”. Maybe it is because guys have always been in a haste to tell me they love me without even understanding the word or knowing me that well. Whoever told the male species that telling a girl you love her all too quickly secures the deal? Most often than not, it scares us away. I never really cared because I knew deep down I was not the type to settle down.

After all, most guys who seemed to be interested in me always let me have my way, thinking it would prove their love. It only made me bore of them real fast. Now I am facing a predicament I have never encountered before. I am at the point where I think my previous thoughts are all void and I just may be the type to fall in love. How to let doubts go whenever I hear the L word and believe that a guy I am in love with honestly and truly loves me back is hard. I am determined to get to the point where I hold nothing back though because he is worth it.

Why am I giving you a summary of an episode of my life? I have no idea why I just did. While writing this, I am not even sure if I will send it out or not. I think what I wanted was to connect to anyone out there who may be in a similar predicament as me, to figure out the right thing to do. While writing this, I have come to the conclusion as to what I have to do about my situation.

You may be a silent receiver of my letters day in and day out but you sure are helpful. It always helps to have something like this to help take me from point A to point B.

Thanks for listening,

MzYayraTay

A Little Emotional

Dear Stranger,

I am up at 9. 48 pm EST because I cannot sleep. I have a couple of things on my mind and no one to talk to. Anyone I can unburden to, funny enough would be asleep by now because they are all on GMT. But I need to talk……… and I need to talk now. Yes, my letters seem to be very emotional but hey, I am a girl and I have a lot of pent up emotions in me. Don’t blame me. Don’t judge me. I am not special, I am just one of the female species (We like to think we are special though).

I was talking to a friend earlier today and a lot of things came up that bugged me to the point were it’s late and I still feel very much unsettled. We are always talking about how modern today’s age is and how we seem to know everything going on. I seem to have the mind of a 5 year old. I am always deviating from the point. Anyway, the point is that, my discussion today was about relationships.

I know, I know, I seem to always be talking about relationships. Some might even say I am obsessed with the idea of relationships but I think not. I do not think there is anything wrong with being very attached to the emotional part of you. It reminds us all that we are human and need to stop thinking too highly about ourselves but rather care about others. That is the truth though. And relationships are a good thing (despite my past ones). We make or break a relationship.

The debate, oddly enough was about something we all face at one point or another. Is sex during a relationship wrong or right? I mean, there are some hardcore Christians out there who will argue this point and convince you of how wrong it is (Don’t get me wrong, I am Christian myself). Being more spiritual than religious however, i try to keep an open mind. Funny thing is, this issue featured in 4 different conversations with 4 different people this weekend only. Why the coincidence I will never know, I guess!

But going with the religious train, sex before marriage is definitely wrong, right? It is fornicating whether you are committed to your partner or not. It is true it is hard to find true virgins out there so everyone settles for whoever they find whether virgin or non-virgin. The attitude of the new churches, for example non-denominational churches, towards virginity does not make it any easier. Why wouldn’t chastity be on the decline when there are categories for virgins. I found it absurd when I heard that a non-virgin who became a Christian becomes a virgin since he/she “becomes new in Christ”. That notion is simply preposterous.

This letter is going to make you wonder if I am a virgin who is using this as an outlet to let out pent up rage against non-virgins. That is not the issue and those who know me very well can attest to that. I am just very let down by the way society acts sometimes and this is one of those times. I understand the whole thing about chastity and fornication and adultery and all that. But sometimes you have to take into consideration the time and context the Bible was written in.

I am not condoning sexual acts of any kinds. Let’s keep an open mind. Take me for example. If I was in a committed relationship with someone and I know he is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, do I hold back from sex just because we are not married yet? That is a very difficult decision to make. Being female and viewed as helpless does not help issues either. What to do? What to do? And a lot of females face the dilemma portrayed in this scenario. This is the 21st Century and everywhere you look there are sexual innuendos. Take the media: television, radio, internet, newspapers, etc. They do not make things any easier.

Sometimes we, as a society, judge harshly without realizing the times we live in. Sometimes too, we condone certain things that we shouldn’t. This can go both ways and I know that. I have no idea why this was even on my mind. I had to write you about it though and now I have the clarity I needed. It is 10.48 pm EST and I now say goodnight.

Thanks for listening,

MzYayraTay